Be scared

Actually, I don’t feel like being scared.

I’m done with being scared.

And lacking confidence.

And feeling worthless.

Granted, it’s been a long time – abut 20 years, in fact – since I didn’t wake up in a state of self-loathing, but still. I have no desire to go back there.

So when I prompted myself to Be Scared, it brought back some of those memories, and they weren’t pretty.

I thought about the Past. Was I truly scared back then? Or just insecure? Was what I felt typical of young female anxiety or something more?

What was I afraid of?

Disordered eating is ugly, but in any event it really doesn’t matter now.

I am a survivor.

If I ‘have’ to feel scared today, then it’s going to be about diving off a boat in three weeks to swim a mile across the Columbia River. It’s about boarding an airplane to land in Detroit in the middle of the night with a two-year-old and a five-year-old. It’s about being unemployed in a dismal economy and yet — the truth is that even that doesn’t scare me today. Despite the disappointment I feel at the crumbling of the organization for which I was employed, I feel incredibly liberated and delighted to have the opportunity to explore new opportunities.

I’m going to join the PTA.

I’m going to write more.

I’m going to try to eat my toddler’s toes during tickle fights and games of chase.

I’m going to introduce my kindergartener to a world of letters and stories and dreams in books.

So in my week of words, I’m not sure I captured the essence of what it is to Be Scared. Because I’ve done that, and been there, and I don’t feel Scared anymore.

I feel Strong.

Imperfect.

Struggling – yet -

Motivated.

Creative.

Loving.

and

Loved.

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5 thoughts on “Be scared

  1. dpadilla44@aol.com says:

    Good blog, Dear. I never knew you were so scared back then. I wish I had. Maybe I could have done something. Who knows? I’m so proud of you, then and now. Love, Dad

    Be scared

    • skpadilla says:

      Thank you, Dad. I never identified how I felt during my late teens, early 20s as being scared, but I believe now that lack of self esteem really has to do with fear. Unfortunately, among young women in the US the result is disordered eating and painful self-worth. Glad it resolved itself by age 22!

    • skpadilla says:

      Thanks, Dad. I certainly did not identify how I was feeling in those days as being scared or fearful. I recognize now, however, that low self-esteem really is about being afraid. Happy to have it be in the past! xoxo Love skp

  2. evafannon says:

    As I was reading your post I chuckled for a moment when I realized that the last couple of times I felt truly scared had to do with my girls. 1) When they were each born (especially the first since it was a complicated birth). I was scared that something might go wrong and I wouldn’t get to hear each baby’s first cry. 2) When my youngest fell and needed stitches. I totally freaked out seeing blood gushing down her face. Becoming a mom seems to have made me braver…I guess because I want to be around to protect and defend my girls as long as they need me :-)

    • skpadilla says:

      Both of those incidents are scary! tonight my oldest had a nosebleed and it freaked us out. It stopped and he’s fine – in fact, he thought it was cool! I love being a protective mama.

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